Chase// Runaway

thecontract @ 2008-11-29T01:47:00

2008-11-28T17:49:07Z

Re-constructed.

All future entries will be friends-only.

(Sorry I deleted you, just wanted to clear out the whole existing friend list, no hard feelings.)

It has been a whirlwind of events.

2008-10-29T19:11:02Z

THY SHALL BE REVIVED!

I SHALL REVIVE THIS LJ, (simply cos I cant find anywhere else to yak).

"True success isn't measured by how much you've done as compared to others, but what you've done as compared to what you could have done with God."

thecontract @ 2008-08-04T03:02:00

2008-08-03T19:04:10Z

Moved.

thecontract @ 2008-07-27T01:40:00

2008-07-26T17:44:13Z

It has been a very tough week.
Many things happened, many things to do... time was the constraint.

For a while I couldnt breathe,
I stood, suffocated,
Cut off from the very life I was given.
I needed to find it back again.

Today was the answer.

Connected,
Renewed,
Refreshed.

All ready to go,
Once more.

thecontract @ 2008-07-24T02:59:00

2008-07-23T18:59:36Z

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

thecontract @ 2008-07-23T00:10:00

2008-07-22T16:11:09Z

Focus.

Divided attention,
gets you no where.

thecontract @ 2008-07-16T01:49:00

2008-07-15T17:49:54Z

Today,
I made a decision,
to be willing.

thecontract @ 2008-07-13T23:51:00

2008-07-13T15:55:05Z

I'm sick of being always sick.

So little time, so much to do.
How?

thecontract @ 2008-07-09T00:41:00

2008-07-08T16:58:24Z

I came home today.
Saw a letter on the coffee table.

Opened it,
There was a cheque and a short letter.

Written on the letter was,

Cecilia,
Your pay is $50 but understand that you took 2 umbrellas home and did not return.
Hence the cost is $16. Enclosed is the cheque for $34, should you return the 2 umbrellas,
We'll pay you back the $16.
Thanks,
(name censored)

Can anyone be more absurd?
Sorry, forgot to let you know about the background information.

This was my pay for internship, which ended more than a month ago, and yes I just received it today.
Previously, I called and messaged her, but to no avail.
So I told my lecturer last wednesday, and apparently she called my internship boss up last thursday to warn her, which explains the miraculous cheque received today. (Which otherwise I don't think it will ever appear)

And $50?
Helloo.. I calculated, it's supposed to be AT LEAST 100.
Plus, I didn't even include the hours you made me WORK FROM HOME on my weekends.

IS SHE CRAZY OR CRAZY?

And for your information,
I DID return her the 2 umbrellas.

thecontract @ 2008-07-04T15:47:00

2008-07-04T07:48:09Z

Just remember the telephone works in both ways.

thecontract @ 2008-06-29T14:20:00

2008-06-29T06:41:03Z

Today officially marks the end of my journey here.
Maybe there's a whole new set of challenges to overcome elsewhere,
maybe I've learnt what I'm supposed to learn here, gotta go over now.

Last night I had a great dinner with a group of people whom I really really love.
Thank you all, for the flowers and the little speech each of you made.
<3 Heart all of you, very much. MUAH.

So...
I dont know what exactly is gonna happen now.
But I can say, I'm truely excited to start at a whole new level.

10 months ago,
6 months later.

Brand new.

Building to Last

2008-06-25T06:53:19Z

Now the lessons learnt,
I touched and I was burnt.

thecontract @ 2008-06-15T13:23:00

2008-06-15T05:24:20Z

If I were to be so bold,
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

Neil Gaiman

2008-06-08T10:47:19Z

Monday the 28th

I guess I've been following Scarlet for a long time now. Yesterday I was in Las Vegas. Walking across the parking lot of a casino, I found a postcard. There was a word written on it in crimson lipstick. One word: Remember. On the other side of the postcard was a highway in Montana.

I don't remember what it is I'm meant to remember. I'm on the road now, driving north.

Tuesday the 29th

I'm in Montana, or maybe Nebraska. I'm writing this in a motel. There's a wind gusting outside my room, and I drink black motel coffee, just like I'll drink tomorrow and the night after that. In a small diner today I heard someone say her name. "Scarlet's on the road," said the man. He was a traffic cop, and he changed the subject when I got close and listened.

He was talking about a head-on collision. The broken glass glittered on the road like diamonds. He called me "Ma'am," politely.

Wednesday the 30th

"It's not the work that gets to you so bad," said the woman. "It's the way that people stare." She was shivering. It was a cold night and she wasn't dressed like it.

"I'm looking for Scarlet," I told her.

She squeezed my hand with hers, then she touched my cheek, so gently. "Keep looking, hon," she said. "You'll find her when you're ready." Then she sashayed on down the street.

I wasn't in a small town any longer. Maybe I was in Saint Louis. How can you tell if you're in Saint Louis? I looked for some kind of arch, something linking East and West, but if it was there, I missed it.

Later, I crossed a river.

Thursday the 31st

There were blueberries growing wild by the side of the road. A red thread was caught in the bushes. I'm scared that I'm looking for something that does not exist any more. Maybe it never did.

I spoke to a woman I used to love today, in a cafe in the desert. She's a waitress there, a long time ago.

"I thought I was your destination," she told me. "Looks like I was just another stop on the line."

I couldn't say anything to make it better. She couldn't hear me. I should have asked if she knew where Scarlet was.

Friday the 32nd

I dreamed of Scarlet last night. She was huge and wild, and she was hunting for me. In my dream, I knew what she looked like. When I woke I was in a pick-up truck, parked by the side of the road. There was a man shining a flashlight in the window at me. He called me "Sir" and asked me for ID.

I told him who I thought I was and who I was looking for. He just laughed, and walked away, shaking his head. He was humming a song I didn't know. I drove the pick-up south, into the morning. Sometimes I fear this is becoming an obsession. She's walking. I'm driving. Why is she always so far ahead of me?

Saturday the 1st

I found a shoebox that I keep things in. In a Jacksonville McDonald's I ate a quarter pounder with cheese and a chocolate milkshake, and I spread everything I keep in the shoebox out on the table in front of me; the red thread from the blueberry bush; the postcard; a Polaroid photograph I found in on some fennel-blown wasteland beside Sunset Boulevard - it shows two girls whispering secrets, their faces blurred; an audio cassette; some golden glitter in a tiny bottle I was given in Washington DC; pages I've torn from books and magazines. A casino chip. This journal.

"When you die," says a dark-haired woman at the next table, "they can make you into diamonds now. It's scientific. That's how I want to be remembered. I want to shine."

Sunday the 2nd

The paths that ghosts follow are written on the land in old words. Ghosts don't take the interstate. They walk. Is that what I'm following, here? Sometimes it seems like I'm looking out through her eyes. Sometimes it feels like she's looking out through mine.

I'm in Wilmington, North Carolina. I write this on an empty beach, while the sunlight glitters on the sea, and I feel so alone.

We make it up as we go along. Don't we?

Monday the 3rd

I was in Baltimore, standing on a sidewalk in the light fall rain, wondering where I was going. I think I saw Scarlet in a car, coming toward me. She was a passenger. I could not see her face, but her hair was red. The woman who drove the car, an elderly pick-up truck, was fat and happy, and her hair was long and black. Her skin was dark.

I slept that night in the house of a man I did not know. When I woke, he said "She's in Boston."

"Who?"

"The one you're looking for."

I asked how he knew, but he wouldn't talk to me. After a while he asked me to leave, and, soon enough, I did. I want to go home. If I knew where it was I would. Instead I hit the road.

Tuesday the 4th

Passing Newark at midday, I could see the tip of New York, already smudged dark by dust in the air, now scumbled into night by a thunderstorm. It could have been the end of the world.

I think the world will end in black and white, like an old movie. (Hair as black as coal, sugar, skin as white as snow.) Maybe as long as we have colours we can keep going. (Lips as red as blood, I keep reminding myself.)

I made Boston in the early evening, I find myself looking for her in mirrors and reflections. Some days I remember when the white people came to this land and when the black people stumbled ashore in chains. I remember when the real people walked to this land, when the land was younger.

I remember when the land was alone.

"How can you sell your mother?" That was what the first people said, who asked to sell the land they walked upon.

Wednesday the 5th

She spoke to me last night. I'm certain it was her. I passed a payphone on the street in Metairie, LA. It rang, I picked up the handset.

"Are you okay?" said a voice.

"Who is this?" I asked. "Maybe you have a wrong number."

"Maybe I do," she said. "But are you okay?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Know that you are loved," she said. And I knew that it had to be her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her too, but by then she'd already put down the phone. If it was her. She was only there for a moment. Maybe it was a wrong number, but I don't think so.

I'm so close now. I buy a postcard from a homeless guy on the sidewalk with blanket of stuff, and I write Remember on it, in lipstick, so now I won't even forget, but the wind comes up and carries it away, and just for now I guess I am going to keep on walking.

thecontract @ 2008-06-07T02:42:00

2008-06-06T18:48:50Z

I'm sick and tired of people backing out on their word.

Seriously.

If you can't be sure that you're able to deliver it, then DONT promise.
Your word is your bond.

If you don't know if youre able to do it, then dont make a promise and say you are able to.
Cos at the end of the day, you are most probably unable to deliver what you said you will do in the first place.

Then someone else has to come in and help to clean up your mess, picking up from where you left off, or to even start all over from scratch because you may not have even started yet at all.
Which I think is really a waste of time.

Next time when youre about to promise something.
Please,
self-evaluate first.
Before you decide you want to promise on it.

Sometimes, we really do take "promise" too much for granted.

thecontract @ 2008-05-23T04:56:00

2008-05-22T20:57:16Z

So...

In this ungodly hour,
I'm reduced to eating wasabe and mints to keep myself awake to complete my SIP report...

I really want to sleep.
Yawns.............

thecontract @ 2008-05-18T23:55:00

2008-05-18T16:35:19Z

I'm leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I've been confused outta my mind lately
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I want to be free
Baby you've hurt me

Warwick Avenue - Duffy

I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again

And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk but not just speak

So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars falling down
And I wonder where
Did I go wrong

Same Mistake - James Blunt

And it all comes round
Once in a lifetime like it always does
Everybody loves you cause you've taken a chance
Out on a dance to the moon - too soon

And yes they told you so
We were the ones who saw you first of all
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars

One day they'll tell you that you've changed
Though their the ones who seem to stop and stare.
One day you'll hope to make the grave
Before the papers choose to send you there

And it all comes round once in a lifetime like it always does
Nobody loves you cause you've taken a chance
Out on a dance to the moon - too soon

One of the Brightest Stars - James Blunt

Okaaaay... Not being Emo la.
Just really like the lyrics.
Spent me-time today... Its been a long time just hanging out with myself at home the whole day.
Just screaming to the music, talking to some people, watching movies, watching tv, order pastamania and pig out...

Chewy was being so cute today, I think she feels weird seeing me staying at home the whole day :)
I caught her sunbathing at the kitchen tiles in the afternoon when the sun shone in.
Really sunbathing, she looked so happy! Hahaha

My internship is at last ending, while the rest have already ended theirs.
Its okay Celia, its just 3 more days. And that's it. You don't have to ever return to that cramped, suffocating place you tried all means to escape from.

Time passes really quick huh.
Soon I'll be graduating from Poly.
Soon I'l be in the workforce.

I was just walking home from work last Friday, when I walked past a piano shop.
Someone was playing a piece.. and it was so nostalgic.
I started thinking and writing a mental list of what I wanna achieve next year:
1. Go SOT
2. Take up piano again and complete to Grade 8
3. Get some job to support myself while I go SOT and learn Piano

I don't know.
Sometimes I make so many mistakes, I don't know if I can ever recover.
But He says, no matter how many times I've failed or fallen down, He'l never give up.

Just like a little kid who learns to walk, who falls once or twice...sometimes many more times,
Who looks to the daddy for directions,
Of which you know, her daddy will never say "That's it. You'll never walk again."

And so, I look forward to the day when I'll start running.

thecontract @ 2008-05-16T01:08:00

2008-05-15T17:09:04Z

Someday talk, and not just speak.

thecontract @ 2008-05-16T00:51:00

2008-05-15T16:54:17Z

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Last Tuesday, I did 2 things for the first time.

1. I went to James Blunt concert. I've never been to any concert before!
2. I lost my phone during the concert :(

I wasn't really upset about losing my phone, not much of an emotional attachment yet since I just got it.
But it was a very useful phone, I like the qwerty keyboard...

Anyway,

when was the last time you did something for the first time?

thecontract @ 2008-05-13T00:58:00

2008-05-12T17:31:51Z

Today I met up with my dearest love, BEAAAAAA!
Beaaaa, I love you so very very much. Everytime I go out with you, its really happy happy happy all the way.
And like what you said today, it feels like we knew each other for quite a long time, but its only 2 years! But these 2 years.... we grew up together, get naggy together with our grandmother stories, and then we connect connect connect! Heh, MUAAAAH!

Internship officially ends next THURSDAY! :D
Im sooo happy I can scream and jump off the roof any second.

<3

I watched you leave.

2008-05-04T15:51:19Z

I guess today is one of those days...
When things don't go exactly right, nor did they go exactly wrong.

I guess there are many things that weigh me down sometimes.
Just didn't think some would make such an impact on me.

Work again tomorrow, so sick of that place. So suffocating to work there, no kidding.
Cant wait cant wait cant wait for 21st May, last day of my intern. Please, come soon.

Holidays, where did you go?

thecontract @ 2008-05-02T01:17:00

2008-05-01T17:23:47Z

I was reading a friend's blog when I came across what he wrote, which is really quite interesting:

Love is like gravity,
it tugs at you no matter what.
Imagine this,
we all stand on the roof of a building, and love is on the ground floor.
The urge is to jump off the roof,
but I think we're supposed to go down the levels of the building.
The steps to love brings you closer in a progressive order,
a sudden leap towards it could lead to unexpected destruction.
I think thats why some of us never quite pick up the pieces after one long hard fall.

They say it takes courage to go into a relationship.
it takes even more courage to wait for the right time.

I wish I knew what to do.

Passion

2008-04-24T17:30:14Z

I've never fallen asleep during a phone call before, much less a phone conference with 4 voices screaming at the top of their lungs calling "CELIA!!!", and still couldn't wake up.

Yes, I guess I've been busy and I really should be sleeping right now. But I thought I should update this rusty blog of mine for a bit.

Many things happened for the past few weeks, some pleasant, some not really.
Some made me think alot, some made me cry a bit, some made me confused, some made me feel lost.
But many made me happy, many made me glad, many made me joyful, many made me smile.

But I want to say,

take this life, and love it.

thecontract @ 2008-04-07T23:51:00

2008-04-07T16:11:14Z

When you go through something, and it is not properly dealt with,
the past issues will just keep coming back all over and all over again.

The past haunts.
And it will just keep haunting until you've made a decision, stick to it and keep going.

I would say I'm still trying.
And I know You'l never give up on me.

All over again.

2008-04-04T15:36:59Z

Quick, let's leave before the lights come on.
But I suppose that's the price you pay.
And there's nothing left to guess now.

I'm gonna run into Your arms, again.